Twenty twenty-three

'Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year' 

Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Twenty twenty-three is going to be different as I decided not to follow the 'new year, new me' motto. Usually, I used to be excited to kickstart new year with at least one new year resolution. But this year I couldn't bring myself to formulate any new year resolution. I think new year resolutions are great as it give people the motivation to do something good for themselves. But in most cases, people are most likely to forget their new year resolutions within the first week of the year.

Three and a half decades have passed yet I feel the need, every single time, to work on myself. Sadly, new year resolutions won't be able to do justice to the growth that I intend to see in me. Every morning I want to be receptive and acceptive to the greater energy. The first thing that I used to do was to drink coffee and smoke a stick or two. But ever since I quit smoking two years ago and with constant struggle to reduce the caffeine intake, I try not to drink coffee immediately after waking up.  My new morning ritual is to drink honey-lemon water. Though I am not a breakfast person, I force myself to ingest a banana or few nuts. I have noticed a huge changes in the way I feel throughout the day. Earlier when I was a heavy smoker and regular drinker, I used to feel lethargic and tired most of the time. These days I feel way lighter than my actual weight. I feel energized and positive. Just a small changes like quitting smoking and drinking could bring a great difference in one's life. I didn't wait for new year to quit smoking and drinking. And I feel one shouldn't wait for new year to make an informed decision to grow as a person. 

I have always been open about my struggle with panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. As an integral part of my journey of coping with my mental health issues, running and mediation has helped a lot. I can't say for others but running for me is an excellent way to calm my nerves. I don't run to lose weight rather I run so I can shush my negative and unpleasant thoughts for an hour. Mediation, on the other hand, helps me to reconnect with the divine energy. Sitting alone listening to my own breath and thoughts can do wonders to me. I am able to manage my emotions, especially anger well. I am a neurotic person. People from my past would describe me as a short-tempered person and I won't deny the fact. I used to be a angry, very angry I would say, person. But now I hardly lose my temper. Mediation has helped me to be aware of my egoistic, arrogant, and selfish nature. I have mellowed down, thanks to my ten minutes of daily mediation. Neither did intrusive thoughts stopped creeping in my mind nor did I turn into a saint but running and mediation did helped me to be a better version of myself. 

As far as I can recall my school days, the only visual that I can clearly capture is that of borrowing books from school library and reading it during study hours. When my mates used to prepare for examination, I used to be lost in the pages of the book. I fondly remember how once Ama Dema, my senior who used to take care of like her younger sister, hid my library books so that I can focus on preparation for examination. I always used to be fascinated with words and I still am. Words makes more sense than people to me. I have run out of spaces to keep books. Most of my books have become breeding places for silverfish and paper worm. I would like to believe that books are my prized possession. Lately, donating few books to underprivileged passionate readers has been lingering. So, this year for the first time in my life I think I might donate few books though it breaks my heart to part ways with my books. My biggest concern is I fear my books might land in the hands of those who do not value knowledge, treats book as a decorative piece in one of the rooms of their house, and may not even open it to read it. Books has and will always have a special place in my heart and home. 

I have pointed out only the positive aspects of this year without shame. If I want I could end the blog here but I don't want to project as a perfectly flawless person without any negative habits. I am a night owl and waking up in the morning is the most dreaded part of my daily routine. I am awake during night. Most of the nights I read but for past few months I had been binge watching random YouTube videos. The issue here is this new night ritual is turning out to be extremely expensive. Unlike other countries, internet charges in Bhutan are frigging expensive. My sleep cycle has been a messy one. I tried setting an alarm to wake up early but landed up taking long afternoon and evening naps. I tried going to bed without book and phone to let sleep come naturally but landed up tossing around bed for hours and hours. I tried not sleeping for a night and going to sleep early the next night but didn't see any change in my sleeping pattern. I tried using different sleep apps but none of it worked on me. I feel like I am caught in one of those never-ending loop. I am search of new strategies to work on my messed up sleep cycle. Hopefully, I will be successful in bringing my sleep pattern back to normal. 

Every day is a struggle to keep away from intrusive, unpleasant, and obsessive thoughts. Every day is an opportunity to develop a new habit, develop a closer and stronger bond with loved ones, forget painful past, and embrace future with a new and clear vision. I wish to be blessed with avenues to make new mistakes so that I can learn from it. I look forward to every single day of twenty twenty-three to be filled with love, happiness, and positivity. And I wish you a wonderful year ahead!