Feeling Stuck in Life: An Inner Exploration at Thirty-Eight

Not till we are lost, in other words, not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves. 

Henry David Thoreau 

Lately, I have been feeling stuck and overwhelmed with questions. At 38, I am frustrated and doubting if I have accomplished what I’m supposed to by now. The pressure to pursue a PhD, start dating again, and build a long-term relationship makes me question if I’m on the right path or if I’m falling behind my peers. I blame it on the so-called midlife transition, something many women go through. But let this blog be my first small step toward finding hope in the journey of my life. 

I have come across the idea that rather than forcefully pushing for change, we should let it unfold naturally. This perspective resonates deeply with me as I reflect on my own journey. Nearly seven years have passed since I completed my master’s degree, and the idea of pursuing a PhD feels both daunting and overwhelming. The pressure has intensified as I see many others, including some younger than me, successfully completing their PhDs. My parents have been consistently encouraging me to explore scholarship opportunities and take the next step in my academic journey.

Although I typically make decisions based on my own judgment rather than external opinions, the persistent encouragement from loved ones has led me to seriously consider this path. I’m not seeking a major career overhaul, but I am committed to pursuing a PhD. I wish to entrust the specifics—such as when to start, which program to choose, and how to navigate the application process—to a higher guiding force, trusting that everything will align in its own time.

The journey so far has been fraught with numerous hidden challenges. I have spent countless hours sifting through endless university websites, reaching out to potential supervisors who often remain unresponsive, worrying about the validity of my IELTS scores, and enduring frequent migraine attacks. These struggles have left me feeling utterly exhausted and disheartened.

Despite the well-meaning advice and expectations from those around me, I have decided to relinquish control over this process and place it in the hands of the Universe. I am holding onto the hope that by stepping back and allowing things to evolve naturally, the right opportunities will reveal themselves in their own time. At this moment, I am so drained that I can’t even muster the energy to review more scholarship details. My wish now is for the Universe to guide me to where I need to be without adding further stress or depleting my already limited reserves.

I have reached a point where I understand that some events and outcomes are beyond my control. This realization has taught me the value of letting go of my attachment to specific results. Instead of fixating on how things should unfold or trying to force a certain outcome, I am learning to embrace the belief that what is meant to happen will happen in its own time and manner.

In a world where societal expectations often spotlight milestones like marriage and family, the life of a single woman can sometimes feel overshadowed. Society tends to place a premium on these traditional markers of success, creating an environment where being single is often seen as a temporary or less valid state. Yet, for many including myself, being single is not just a status but a journey brimming with opportunities for self-discovery, growth, and fulfillment.

I cherish the independence and freedom that come with being single, as it allows me to explore my interests, pursue my passions, and build a life on my own terms. However, I also grapple with the harsh realities of societal judgment. Single women often face scrutiny and are sometimes treated as though they are somehow incomplete or less worthy. There’s an underlying assumption that singlehood is merely a phase, with an implicit expectation that I should be yearning for a family or a partner.

The pressure to conform to traditional roles can be particularly intense for women. Society often envisions women as nurturing and assumes that the ultimate goal is to start a family. This can be especially challenging for those of us who don’t feel the same maternal instincts or who simply choose not to pursue motherhood. What if I choose not to become a mother? What if the natural inclination to nurture isn’t part of who I am? What if I would rather focus on my career, personal development, or other pursuits that bring me fulfillment? These questions can evoke a sense of guilt or inadequacy, as if not adhering to traditional expectations diminishes my worth or validity as a woman.

The societal pressure to take on a caregiving role can often feel overwhelming. The expectation to be perpetually responsible for another person's well-being, to prioritize family over personal ambitions, and to conform to traditional roles can be suffocating. This pressure sometimes leads me to question whether my choices and desires are valid or if they somehow fall short of societal expectations. However, one thing has remained clear since childhood: I never envisioned myself as a mother. The idea of motherhood, beyond being a pet parent, has never resonated with me. I can embrace the role of a pet parent, but beyond that, the stress and responsibility are more than I can handle.

Ultimately, my journey as a single woman is deeply personal and unique. It is all about finding meaning and satisfaction on my own terms, free from the constraints of traditional expectations. I embrace the opportunities that come with singlehood and strive to build a life that aligns with my values and desires, even if they diverge from societal norms.

In conclusion, navigating this phase of life with feelings of being stuck and questioning my progress can be daunting. At 38, the pressure to meet societal expectations and achieve certain milestones is palpable, and it’s easy to feel like I am falling behind. Yet, recognizing these struggles is an important part of the journey. By sharing my thoughts and experiences in this blog, I am taking a proactive step toward finding hope and direction. This reflection is not just about grappling with doubts but about embracing the possibility that my path is uniquely my own. With time, patience, and self-compassion, I trust that clarity and the right opportunities will unfold, guiding me toward a fulfilling and authentic life.