New height of laziness

I had been going through a phase clouded with extreme laziness for few weeks. I am not alien to these kind of phases as I have been through this in past and fortunately, I was able to come out of it with a renewed energy. Somehow, currently I am stuck and is not able to get out of this vicious cycle. Today I decided to give myself a reality check and to fight with my inner demons to figure out what is really going on in my life. So, what's the best way to do it than to blog on it. 

I am a nocturnal person but the definition of a night person has changed to staying up late till 3 to 4 am in the morning. With inadequate hours of sleep, I feel so tired and sluggish. I have started to experience unpleasant emotions frequently with high intensity. I feel so helpless for not being able to get a grip on my daily routine. At times, I panic over a possibility to having to face my anxiety and depression all over again. A part of me wants to come out of this phase and get back to my active days but somehow, something is preventing me from making this small yet bold move. 

I tried making small changes in my daily routine by going for evening walks instead of running on the treadmill like I used to do in past. I am not able to stick to this routine for more than three days in a row. A slight change in weather, mood, and situation keeps me glued to my bed. I even purchased brand new shoes to get back into working out regularly. The shoes arrived a couple of weeks ago and it still needs to be unpacked. How can I possibly pushed myself to workout when I can't even unpack the shoes? These days I spend most of my waking hours lying on my bed, staring into space with no particular thought and seems like I am pro in this as I can do this for hours. You won't believe that one weekend, I got out of the bed to use toilet. I couldn't get myself to leave my bedroom to have my meals so I landed up having my meals in the bed. I know I shouldn't be mentioning this in the blog but hey, how would I be able to figure my way out if I can't afford to be honest, at least with myself. 

Running and reading used to be the most loved activities. I can't remember the last days when I read a book. I used to keep a book near my pillow and nowadays the book is out of my sight. I vaguely remember putting the book away from my pillow and I can't seem to remember the exact location. A reader in me will never be able to forgive this new person in me who is creating a big mess of my life. 

Cleaning was one of the things that I really look forward to engaged in during weekends. My OCD has vanished into a thin air as I haven't touched the mopping stick, broom, and duster for so long. Thankfully, my darling niece has taken charge over cleaning and cooking. I am glad that at least my laziness provided an opportunity to my niece to learn basic life skills. Usually, the feeling and notion  that I am the only one who does things perfectly prevents her from cleaning and cooking. I have seen a little girl mature into a little woman within a short period of time, thanks to my laziness. Now, she is the one who is taking care of me instead of the other way around. 

Now enough with reflecting on the weak spots of my life. Starting today evening, I promise to go for a evening walk, come rain, bad mood, or any other possible excuses in the world. I will wake up early tomorrow, no matter at what time I go to sleep tonight. I will eat clean and healthy. I will take the control of my life instead of letting my laziness take control of my life. I will take the driver's seat instead of being in passenger's seat. I want to feel good, do good, and be good. Dear universe, please bless me with all the positive vibes and energy to get back to my old self. 

And with this, I start my journey to reunite with my old self. Hopefully, I will bounce back with a success story worth a new and different blog.